if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
