cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
