i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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