he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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