my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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