I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
