Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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