Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
