Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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