who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
