3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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