I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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