i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize