Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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