I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Your mouth is God's brothel.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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