What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
