I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
