I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
