Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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