i think i have two assholes
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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