Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
