i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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