I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
