I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
