do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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