You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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