Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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