I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
