In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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