listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
i think i just lost a toe
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
