So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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