When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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