You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
