does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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