apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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