Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
