Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
