I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
