smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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