Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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