I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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