Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
