Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
