just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
