I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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