he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
