Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I've blown a few things in my day
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
