She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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