I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
