just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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