Four minutes until I can fart!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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