He felt like a one man threesome
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
