The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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