When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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