its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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