I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Damn victory sex feels great
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
