no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize